


Reckless Self-Endangerment

by Lise



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: (skirting the edge of), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Awkward Conversations, Blood and Injury, Brother Feels, Gen, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Hurt/Comfort, Ignores Mid Credits Scene, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Self-Indulgent, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 09:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14352744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: Loki's just trying to make himself useful. Really, that's all. It's nothisproblem that Thor objects to his methods.





	Reckless Self-Endangerment

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Безрассудная жертвенность](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14411340) by [donemon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/donemon/pseuds/donemon)



> A while ago someone mentioned wanting something like this, and because I am what I am, my brain went "ooh okay" and promptly wandered off from my other thirty-and-change projects to write it. It's so very, very, very, self-indulgent. I'm trying not to care. What else is fic for? Also, Infinity War is in 10 days and if, like me, you are vibrating with anxiety, I figure maybe some self-indulgent fic is what's needed. 
> 
> Thanks always to [my beta](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com), who tells me to post things even when I'm not sure I should, and all the folks over on Tumblr who enable me. Said Tumblr, if you're curious, is [here](http://veliseraptor.tumblr.com). 
> 
> Have fun, stay safe, don't let the Infinity War anxiety bite.

Loki came around slowly and with difficulty. His ears were ringing and he was having considerable difficulty breathing. Recent memory was...blank. Or at least confused, and it was very hard to think clearly enough to sort it out. 

Something had gone wrong, that much was clear. 

He opened his eyes. It was rather immediately obvious why he was having so much trouble breathing: there was what looked like a chunk of a building resting across his entire torso. Pushing at it failed to budge it at all, and when he tried to move his right arm he discovered that it was a shattered wreck. There was very little feeling in his left leg, which was worrying, though staring at the metal rod that had punched through his thigh, it almost seemed like a mercy. 

“Huh,” he said faintly. His tongue felt coated with dust. Probably from the building collapsing, which was apparently what had happened. He could just make out a few bodies, apparently crushed under falling debris. 

He tried again to move the slab holding him down. This time, something shifted, but only to drop more weight on him. Loki wheezed, lungs struggling to expand, and something punched through his skin in the vicinity of his liver.

_Wonderful,_ Loki thought. Consciousness wavered. 

“Loki!” He heard someone shouting. “Loki!” 

“Here,” Loki tried to shout, but it came out as more of a gasp. He could hear footsteps coming closer and raised his left hand as far as he could manage.

“Oy, over here - found him!” Valkyrie. It occurred to him belatedly that it could have been an enemy looking for him, and he probably should not have assumed otherwise. A moment later she was looking down at him, and whistled. 

“Shit, Lackey,” she said. “You’re a mess.”

Loki tried to smile at her. “Takes one,” he wheezed. 

“How bad is it,” he heard Thor ask, audible dread in his voice. Loki was almost touched. 

“He’s still talking,” Val said. “Can’t be that bad.” 

“With him that doesn’t mean much,” Thor said, and then he was there too. His eyes widened a fraction and Loki heard him hiss in a breath. 

“Hello,” he said. It was getting harder and harder to speak. “I seem to be...in a bit of a fix.”

Thor’s expression darkened. Fortunately, it was about then that Loki ran out of air. 

* * *

Loki woke feeling significantly less like he couldn’t breathe.

Also on his own and naked, which was a less pleasant surprise. At least he was in _his_ room rather than...some sort of infirmary. 

He got to his feet with a quiet groan, testing his weight on the leg he remembered being impaled. There was a bit of a lingering ache, but it would pass quickly. His ribs protested a little when he breathed too deeply, but as far as he could tell they were mending well, too. Much better than it could have been. He’d probably cut that a little close. 

Loki heard the door opening and spun around, grabbing hastily for the sheet to cover himself only to stop when he saw Thor. 

“Did you know I was awake or do you just have excellent timing?” Loki asked. Thor’s expression was worryingly blank.

“You should sit down,” he said. “You lost a lot of blood. And you weren’t breathing when we got you free from the half a building that dropped on you.” 

“I’m breathing now,” Loki said. “How long has it been? Did you get the-”

“Sit down.”

_Norns,_ he sounded like Odin. Loki sat. And pulled the sheet over himself, feeling a little self-conscious. The look on Thor’s face...there should have been lightning in his eye.

“How was I to know that Bor killed their queen twenty-seven generations ago?” Loki asked defensively. “There was no way I could have-”

“Shut up, Loki.” 

His mouth snapped closed. Loki’s jaw tightened and he lifted his chin, anger prickling under his skin. He glared at Thor, and Thor glared back at him, until finally his expression relaxed into something just tired. 

“We _did_ manage to retrieve the power cells,” Thor said after a moment. Loki eyed him.

“Good,” he said carefully. “That’s...good.”

“To answer your other question,” Thor said, “it has been three days. Have you been sleeping?” 

Loki grimaced. “More or less. Really? Three _days?_ ” 

“Mm.” There was still that - look, on Thor’s face. 

“What?” He asked snappishly, when Thor didn’t say anything further. “What else do you want?” 

“It’s quite the scar you have,” Thor said, altogether too evenly. 

“What - oh.” Loki resisted the urge to pull the sheet up over his chest. “Kind of you to notice,” he said, carefully bland. Still trying to figure out what Thor was getting at. 

Thor’s jaw shifted. For a moment Loki thought he was about to get punched in the face, but it passed before Loki could do more than think about getting out of the way. “So it was real, then.” 

Loki blinked, and then sputtered a laugh. “You thought I-? _Norns,_ Thor, did you think I arranged things with the Kursed ahead of time? _Pardon me, but can you stab me through the chest? Carefully, though._ ” 

Thor’s expression flickered. “But-”

“How did I survive? Good question.” Loki was proud of himself for managing not to sound bitter. He shrugged one shoulder. “I died - or thought I died - and then I woke up. You were gone and I was still lying there with slowly healing hole in my chest.”

Thor looked stricken. “And then I went back and overthrew Odin and dropped him on Midgard,” Loki added, to make him stop. 

“If it wasn’t an illusion-” Thor took a step toward him and Loki leaned back. “I thought you were dead.” 

“Funny,” Loki said. “So did I. And you said that already.” 

“Loki-” Thor sounded like he was going to choke on something. “You could have - you nearly _did_ die.”

“Do you mean then or just now?” Loki asked, meaning it as a joke. The moment the words were out of his mouth he knew he’d made a mistake. The miserable guilt vanished from Thor’s expression (good) to be replaced by anger again (bad). 

“This is not a laughing matter.” 

“I agree,” Loki said. “It’s not a _matter_ at all. What happened on Svartalfheim is - over, done with.” And if he sometimes dreamed about warmth leaching slowly out of his limbs, pain chewing holes in his consciousness - well, that was none of Thor’s business.

“Is it?” 

“Yes,” Loki said firmly. “It is. And so it is here. I’m fine, we got what we needed. And _I_ should go check the supply manifests-”

“No,” Thor said harshly. Loki blinked. 

“No, what?” 

“No,” Thor said. “You won’t check anything. Or, if you do, make a list and I’ll take care of the arrangements.” 

Loki blinked, then scoffed. “Don’t be absurd. I’m almost entirely healed. I’m perfectly capable of continuing-”

“I’m not going to send you anymore,” Thor said. Loki jerked back, anxiety joining the annoyance twisting in his gut. 

“Why not?” 

“This isn’t the first time you’ve been injured on these retrieval missions,” Thor said. “The worst, but - Dessa said she caught you treating a burn and told her not to tell me. Based on the timing, it must have coincided with your trip to Orlos.” 

Loki looked away. “Little traitor,” he muttered under his breath. Thor ignored him.

“And what should I make of the time you shut yourself in your room for two days with a ‘hangover’?” 

Loki straightened. “So there have been some accidents. That’s inevitable.” 

“All the more reason to avoid exposing you to unnecessary risks.” 

“Thor,” Loki said, trying to sound reasonable, “Asgard’s population is limited. We can’t afford to lose any of them. It would put the survival of your - our people in jeopardy. Besides, very few of those remaining are warriors, or have any experience with the world outside of Asgard. Valkyrie has the subtlety of a charging bilgesnipe, and you need someone to train warriors for the future - she’s the best candidate. You are the king, and thus too valuable to risk, and Heimdall is your eyes - more necessary than ever, given you are down one. Obviously, the Hulk is out of the question. There is, quite literally, no one else you can send.” 

There was a peculiar frown on Thor’s face. “We can’t afford to lose any of the people, Valkyrie is needed to train others. Heimdall is necessary,” he said, “and I am too valuable.” 

“Yes,” Loki said a little peevishly. “That’s what I said. So whether you like it or not, I am going to-”

“What about you?” Thor interrupted. Loki exhaled through his nose. 

“What about me?” 

“You have offered reasons for why all the others are too important to risk. What about you?” 

Loki could not say _I am expendable, aren’t I?_ without sounding like he pitied himself. Instead he just shrugged. “As I said,” he said, “I am the only one it makes sense to send.”

“Why,” Thor said, a faintly dangerous note creeping into his voice. 

“I _just_ explained,” Loki said, exasperated. “Do I need to repeat myself?” 

“Because you aren’t necessary, is that it?” Thor said, and now Loki could definitively identify, rather too late, the tense anger in the words. “Because you aren’t important enough to not be - expendable?” 

_You said it, not me,_ Loki thought distantly. Mostly just taken aback. “I beg your pardon?” 

“You throw yourself into danger,” Thor said, heated. “And seem to think nothing of it. Even when injured, you barely pause for breath before leaping back into the fire. I remember when you decried my recklessness, but now you seem determined to emulate it!”

Loki’s hackles went up. “I am not being _reckless._ I am doing what is necessary to ensure Asgard’s survival-”

“Heedless of the cost to yourself,” Thor growled. 

“Do you think I’m _trying_ to get myself hurt?”

“I don’t know what to think!”

Loki opened his mouth, and then closed it. “Really?” He said, in a more moderate voice. “You think I’m…”

“It wouldn’t be without precedent,” Thor said, suddenly sounding tired. A chill crawled down Loki’s spine and he shifted uneasily. “You provoked me into a fight on the Bifrost, and then - let go. On Midgard, you flung yourself into the path of danger by placing yourself directly in the midst of those who would be most able to hurt you, had they chosen - and you must have known that was a possibility. And now - on Svartalfheim, when I believed you had deceived me I thought perhaps you had a plan but I was right the first time--”

“What else should I have done?” Loki demanded. “He was killing you.”

“And instead he killed - or _almost_ killed - you,” Thor said. 

“You make too much of a little carelessness,” Loki said, though his voice sounded weak. 

“Do I?” Thor’s single eye was steady on him, its weight almost too much to bear. “And yet here you are, doing all but saying that your life is worth less than others’.” 

Loki swallowed hard. _Because, at this juncture, it is._ Thor was wrong. It was just logic. He was a survivor. He had always been a survivor-

The memory drifted across his mind of Agent Barton saying _I don’t like it, it’s too risky, putting yourself in their hands. They’ll hurt you._

He’d laughed. As though anything they did could matter. It was just pain. It was just his body. It was just…

“Loki,” Thor said, and he sounded so very, profoundly, unhappy. 

“Don’t,” Loki started, then cleared his throat and tried again. “Thor, don’t _worry._ I made a mistake. That is all.” 

“A mistake that could have killed you. And then what?” 

Loki forced a smile and tried for flippancy. “I suppose you would have to find a better brother. I nominate the Hulk.” 

“That isn’t funny.” 

“I suppose it isn’t.” Loki sighed, glancing away. “Regardless of...anything, my reasoning still stands.” 

“If I cannot trust you to be careful - not to throw your life away,” Thor said flatly, “then I will not let you go.” 

Loki’s eyes widened, something unhappy, almost panicky, fluttering in his stomach. “Thor,” he said, “be reasonable. I am here, aren’t I? I fully intend to do my duty for Asgard--”

“And if you should die in doing so - well, that is no great loss, is that it? After all, I could just find a _replacement._ ” 

Loki had the sudden, overpowering urge to bolt. He held his ground. “It’s a practical matter,” he said, speaking rapidly. “You _know_ that. Do not keep me from doing what I may to _help-_ ”

“I will not lose you again,” Thor said, his voice suddenly raw. “Do you understand me? Twice was enough. _Once_ was enough. You are the only family I have left. Your life is not coin I am willing to spend, and that it is so cheap to you - that _terrifies_ me.” 

Loki opened his mouth, then closed it. He stared at Thor, feeling...lost. 

Thor’s shoulders seemed to droop a little. “And that you think I would feel otherwise,” he said, lower, “is more than a little troubling.”

“It is not that I think that…” Loki trailed off. 

Thor smiled crookedly. “You cannot even lie to me? That seems a first.” 

“It would not be lying,” Loki said. “It’s...complicated.”

“All things are,” Thor said, and Loki waited for the _with you,_ but it didn’t come. He rubbed his forehead. “How is it,” he said, “that you can be so proud and yet - so certain of your worthlessness?” 

Loki tried not to flinch. He summoned a smile, though it felt sickly even to him. “Pride makes an excellent shield against considering too closely one’s inadequacies.” He couldn’t resist adding, “I would think you knew that.” 

Thor just gave him a _look._ “I don’t consider this a laughing matter.” 

Loki rubbed one of his eyes. “I don’t know what you want me to say.” 

“Say that you understand what I am asking,” Thor said. “Say that you will be careful, because you are too valuable for me to lose. Say that I am wrong to believe that you think otherwise.” 

“I understand what you are asking,” Loki said. “And...I will be as careful as I can, and still do what I must.” 

Thor shook his head. “Not good enough.” 

“Thor-”

“ _Not good enough._ ”

It was the fear in Thor’s voice that struck him, finally. Not the anger, or even the sorrow. The fear. _I will not lose you again. You are the only family I have left._

Loki licked his lips. “Thor,” he said carefully, “there is no guarantee. You understand that - you must. No matter how careful I am...nothing is truly safe.”

“At least you could _try._ ” Loki looked away, and Thor made a sound that utterly failed to be a laugh. “You can’t even offer that much?” 

“If it impedes my ability to do what is necessary-”

“Fine,” Thor said. “Then you’ll stay here.”

Loki clenched his teeth. “I just won’t ask you.” 

“I’ll lock you in this damned room with a constant watch if I have to!” Thor said, voice exploding out of him, crackles of lightning briefly sparking around his fingers. “What do you not understand when I say that I will not lose you?” 

“And how am I to prove myself if you won’t let me do anything?” Loki snapped back.

Silence fell. They stared at each other.

“Getting yourself killed doesn’t prove anything,” Thor said, finally. Loki snorted. 

“Wouldn’t it, though?” He said, eyebrows raised. “Everyone loves a good self-sacrifice. I wrote a whole play about it.” 

Thor’s expression spasmed again. Still not amused. “I would rather have a living brother than a dead hero.” 

That hit Loki...hard. Not like it hurt, more like something knocked ajar had twisted back into alignment. He blinked at Thor, whose smile was pained. 

“Again,” he said, “that you are as startled by that as you apparently are - I think I should be offended.” 

There were words on the tip of Loki’s tongue about _priorities_ and _acceptable losses_ and _well, it’d be understandable, wouldn’t it,_ but he let them die there. Instead he said, “you really oughtn’t take my cynicism as a comment on you.” 

“I can’t help it,” Thor said. Loki looked down, obscurely ashamed. Humbled. 

And maybe a little reassured, somewhere deep down he’d never admit to feeling.

“I am sorry,” he said. “For frightening you.” 

Thor rubbed his remaining eye. “And?”

Loki sighed. “I’ll be careful.” After a moment he added, “I swear it.” 

He didn’t realize how much tension Thor had been holding until he released all of it. “Now,” he said, with a wry, rueful smile, “if only I thought you agreed because you’d truly changed your mind, and not because I browbeat you into it.” 

Loki glanced down at his hands, fiddling with them in his lap. He chewed on the inside of his cheek. “I am tired of hurting you, Thor,” he said. “But I don’t know how good I am at...not doing that.” 

“All we can do is try.” Thor came over and rested his hands on Loki’s shoulders. Loki leaned into him like a flower bending toward the sun.

_I will not lose you,_ Thor said. _But the universe needs_ you _,_ Loki thought. _And if it comes to an exchange…_

_There is nothing I would not give up to keep you alive._


End file.
